Summary: Phil is in love with Dan, but Dan is unsure as to whether he feels the same. He’s been straight all his life, and had never known any different. But will changes in Phil suddenly reveal what Dan was hiding all along? Read on to find out more!
DISCLAIMER: Obviously (and unfortunately) everything I have written is entirely fictional. I am not claiming Phan is real.
DAN’S POV: I don’t know what’s up with Phil. He keeps disappearing, making weak excuses such as “he’s going to the store to get some milk” or to “buy some more socks”, and then disappearing until the late evening. He’s been covering up things more, too. He’ll never let me go on his phone or laptop unless he’s constantly watching what I’m doing, as if he has something to hide. Which he apparently does, judging by the amount he’s been lying to me.
I didn’t know if he could tell how easy it was to determine when he’s lying or not. I can see straight through him, to the direction his eyes avert, right to the little quirks like shuffling his feet or touching his hair. He’s been keeping something from me.
I was unsure as to whether I should confront him about it, or just leave it. It’d been going on for more than two weeks now, and if I was honest, it was beginning to bother me quite a lot.
I’d made up my mind. Today will be the day I’ll confront him.
But how?!
I jumped out of bed; it was 11am, which was pretty damn early for someone who sleeps at 5/6am or later every single night. I walked over to the kitchen, taking care not to wake Phil, and stared at it. It hadn’t been cleared up from last night, and there were still empty Chinese takeaway containers all over the counter. Well, half-empty, as I had paid and prepared for Phil’s meal last night, waiting for over an hour, before simply giving up and eating it myself when he didn’t return home at the time he said he would. I must have fell asleep early, too, as I didn’t remember him coming back this morning. Which must have meant…
I frowned in confusion, and left the kitchen, before walking over to Phil’s room. I could hear the feint, familiar snores coming from the other side of the door, and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was great to know he wasn’t dead.
Resuming my errands in the kitchen, once I had finished tidying, I then proceeded to make a batch of chocolate-chip pancakes, which I knew were Phil’s favourite. I’d never actually made him breakfast before apart from the one time on Christmas Eve a few years back, so I hoped he’d appreciate the gesture.
After a few failed attempts, swearing, and eventually successfully frying and preparing breakfast for him, I carried the wobbly tray, along with a mug of coffee, into his room.
“Hey” I whispered softly, laying the tray down on his bedside and looking down at him. He looked so cute when he was asleep.
Wait, I didn’t mean-
No. I didn’t mean it like that at all. I’m straight. Completely straight. I told myself once again, before screening that from my mind as Phil woke up.
“Dan…?” Phil croaked sleepily, glancing at the time on his Tetris clock. “What are you doing?”
“I made you breakfast. I know it’s your favourite.” I smiled hopefully, anticipating his reaction.
Phil stared down at the food for a few minutes, before his face broke out into a small smile. “Aw, you didn’t have to! That’s so nice of you. Thanks, Dan.”
“You’re welcome! I hope they taste alright. I didn’t bother following any recipe or..”
Before I could continue, I was interrupted by the sight of Phil reaching over for his phone, and beginning to text someone. The smile on his face wasn’t directed to me anymore.
I sat in silence, politely waiting for him to finish. He had been like this for a while obviously, so I assumed today wasn’t any special exception.
Apart from his occasional giggle at the screen every now and then, we were both sitting in absolute silence, and my patience was beginning to wear thin. I had woken up especially early, bothered to make him breakfast, and the thanks I get, is watching him have a better time talking to someone else through a phone than talking to me in real life.
“Um… Phil?” I hinted after a long moment.
“What? Oh, yeah, right. I forgot.” He sat up, oblivious as to how much that remark actually hurt me.
After a few mouthfuls, his phone vibrated again. The same smile spread across his face, and the same actions were repeated, as I was left awkwardly perching on the corner of his bed, not knowing what to do.
“I have to get ready.” Phil mumbled to himself, climbing out of bed, and preparing to go into the bathroom, ruffling his hair and smoothening it down vainly.
“But… what about your pancakes?” I stared down at the half-eaten plate lying across his duvet.
“Yeah, I’m not that hungry this morning. Thanks anyway!“ He babbled, before hurrying off to the bathroom, leaving me hanging, in utter disbelief.
I couldn’t actually fathom what had just happened.
So I had taken the time and effort to do something I’d never usually do for Phil, expecting at least a little appreciation, and instead, I get to see him text someone else more important than me, and hurry off to wherever the fuck he’s going, and leaving half his food. Looks like I won’t be doing that again anytime soon.
I took his half-empty plate and mug and carried it into the kitchen, tears forming up as I scraped the uneaten contents in the bin, shoving the crockery into the dishwasher. I fiercely willed myself to stop before he came back at the risk of finding me crying over something as trivial as this.
But it wasn’t just this. It was a gradual build-up of many things Phil had done over the past 2 weeks, or more. I’d had enough, and I needed to find out what was going on, even if it meant moping around the house for six hours until he came back, which is exactly what I did.
After covering up for Phil on twitter, with a lot of “He’s kind of busy right now, sorry!” and “He’s visiting his parents!” lies, I shut my laptop tight, and tossed it onto the sofa. I was done with social networking and looking at pictures of cats on the internet for the day. I didn’t know exactly why I was the one who had to cover up for something that was Phil’s responsibility, but I did anyway. Force of habit. Besides, he’d do the same for me, wouldn’t he?
…would he?
I played Skyrim for a few hours, until it started to get lonely without someone playing it competitively next to me. I gave up on that, Crash Bandicoot, and Final Fantasy VII, before sloping back over to the bedroom. These were how my evenings basically went these days, but tonight was unusually weird. In the end, after waiting helplessly for the front door to finally open, I decided it was getting too late, even for me, and I gave up and went to sleep.
“Dan? Dan, wake up!” I heard an excited voice whispering next to my bed.
“Wh…Phil?” I mumbled, squinting into the sudden light of my amber lamp.
“Come on, wake up properly! There’s someone I’d like you to meet!” Phil enthused, stepping forward with a mystery stranger next to him.
“Who…?” I groaned. I didn’t know, and didn’t really care who it was. Right now all I cared about was going back to sleep.
“Dan, meet PJ. PJ, meet Dan!” Phil introduced.
As my eyes adjusted to the light, I could make out the figure standing beside me. He had distinctive green eyes, and light curls in his chestnut brown hair.
“Hi… PJ…?” I croaked, slightly confused as to why Phil had brought a stranger into our apartment.
Phil noticed the confusion on my face, and stopped dead in the middle of a sentence, surprised I didn’t get the hint already.
“Dan…?” Phil narrowed his eyes at my blank expression.
“What?”
“…PJ’s my boyfriend.”
I froze, as his words echoed around me. My stomach dropped in realization. That’s why he had been acting distant all this time. That explains all his mysterious disappearances throughout these past two weeks. It explained so much.
I gulped, unable to reply. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, but it certainly wasn’t anything good. I bit down on my lip as I eyed PJ up and down. He was so much better looking than me. He was… beautiful. No wonder Phil fell in love with him. He had everything that I didn’t.
“Oh… okay… n-nice to meet you, PJ” I faked a smile as he nodded in acknowledgement.
“You too.”
We were left in an unbearably awkward silence, which Phil broke.
“Anyway, erm… we’re going to bed now. I just wanted to tell you. Sorry to wake you up, Dan.” He mumbled, and I felt a stab in my chest at the “we”. A stranger will be sleeping alongside Phil, feeling his soft, dark hair, breathing in his scent, giving him all their love. Someone who I had never seen before in my life. It felt so… wrong, but I felt so insignificant. What could I do apart from be happy for them?
Besides, I had spent the best part of a year pushing Phil away from me. I deserved this, didn’t I? It was my fault.
I repeated it all through the night. I couldn’t plan on sleeping, not after this. It was my fault.
I heard whispering coming from the room directly next door to me, and I slammed my head into the pillow, like I did the same night Phil tried to kiss me. The last time he did.
I couldn’t bear the whispering. What were they saying, anyway? I couldn’t make it out, but I still disliked it.
Much to my curiosity, and soon regret, I tiptoed out of my bedroom, and pressed my ear against the wall.
“I don’t really think he likes me, though.”
“…I don’t know. He’s not usually like that.”
What were they talking about?
“Are you sure?”
“He’s different, I swear. He’s probably just tired.”
Were they talking about me…?
A few more whispers later which were drowned out by one of the many London sirens wailing through the night, there was one I really wished I didn’t hear.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I gulped, frozen in time, as I could literally sense them huddled up together, in blissful silence. Together.
I didn’t know what to think. I knew I should be more than happy that Phil had finally found someone as amazing as PJ, but at the same time, I felt…
I couldn’t pinpoint quite what it was.
After a few more minutes, I had no other choice other than sloping back off to my own bedroom, and huddling alone under my duvet. My bed felt unusually cold, but I just put it down to the cold November weather. I felt something next to me, which I soon discovered was my Totoro plush toy Phil had given me last Christmas. I reflected back to that very Christmas, all the hugs, laughter, and happiness, up at Phil’s house with his family. I knew this Christmas wouldn’t be far off. I didn’t feel like visiting my own family, not after the disastrous time I set fire to the tablecloth and knocked over my Grandma’s television. I didn’t think I was very welcome there, now.
But it wouldn’t be me that was visiting Phil’s family. It would be PJ. Even if I did tag along as well, I’d be left behind, an outcast in Phil’s shadow.
I felt more tears welling up as I imagined a Christmas all alone, which was probably what I was destined for. I hugged the Totoro closer to me, which probably wasn’t a good idea as it just reminded me more of Phil.
Why did this hurt so much?! After constantly telling myself I didn’t like Phil in that way at all, this happens. He was stuck on my mind, and I couldn’t shake him off.
Should I have done something before it was too late? Before he was gone?
Or maybe I should just go out, and get a girlfriend of my own. To just get over him.
But you don’t want a girlfriend, do you, Dan? You want Phil.
I gasped at that side of my brain taking over, and slammed my head into the pillow multiple times until my vision had become fuzzed. No. I didn’t like Phil. I was happy for him. I needed a girlfriend, anyway, didn’t I? I was straight, of course! Completely… straight.
As an ache started waving over me as I realized how hard I had actually hit my head, I gave up with all hopes of trying. It was too late for this argument. As I turned out the lamp light, I clasped Totoro to my chest, in the hope I would maybe get some sleep.
